我有那样坚强吗？

今天鼓起勇气去见曾经认识他的朋友。一个卖电脑的朋友。原来他也知道了我们的故事。而且他也看过那个她。每当知道认识他的人见过那个她，我的心都会痛一下。还没放得下吧。。。还不能接受那个她的存在。我还想过如果见到她， 还要好好的感谢她的出现。如果这个痛还存在，我能勇敢的去面对面感谢她吗？我不确定。但我还是要感谢她。
他的朋友赞我很坚强。我不确定是否我是个坚强的女生吗。不过只能说得，没有那些贵人出现和佛祖的祝福，
也许我也熬不过这关。感恩佛祖给的祝福和送来的贵人。有了他们，我才可以走出来。所以，我不是
那么坚强，只是有了佛祖的祝福和安排，才有了今天的我。感恩，阿弥陀佛！

曾经

曾经想过如果我也想他那样另外找到一个人来爱，现在的我是否会好过点？是否没那么寂寞？是否不会感到输到一败涂地？是否少点泪？是否不会有二梦？是否睡到跟好？是否能够少点痛？这也是不能决定的答案？再问会自己， 如果这个人真的出现了，我是用什么心情来接受他？真心？还是代替品？会长久吗？我也不确定。只是很确定的是，我尝试了爱情的甜也式了它的痛。但我已经不能再试它的痛。因为我确定我不能也没有那力量再试它的苦。

Habits to get rid off

1. Stop sharing every moment I went through
2. Not waiting anyone to accompany for shopping
3. Not waiting anyone to accompany for movie
4. Not keep sharing my emo with others
5. Not waiting for anyone for trip
6. Not dependent on anyone
7. Stop feel lonely
8. Stop missing him
9. Stop curios on what's going on with him
10. Stop cry for him anymore
11. Stop missing his hugs
12.  Stop missing those days
13. Stop hoping that he will regret what he did
14. Stop wishing him will come back
15. Stop jealous on her
16. Stop dreaming for the future or dream I had before

一个人的情人节

昨天结束了，八年的感情。今天就遇见了情人节。天给我的考验太难了吧。八年都有人陪伴的情人节，突然只有我一个人度过。明智他已有了新欢而过，我还要去怀念。怀念一些已经不再属于自己的回忆。不明白为什么八年前，一个人度过时，可以忘了一干二净。曾经也一个人度过，可是也无法想起那些日子和感觉。忘不了的就那些短短八年的情人节。二人度过的情人节。讨厌，讨厌自己一直怀念那过去。很讨厌软弱的自己。讨厌那一败涂地的感觉。老天爷也偏偏在我最失落时就下起雨来。。。好像在陪伴我在哭泣。
一直说服自己，只是过渡期。一过了，就海阔天空。只要再撑过这关，我又升级了，那在来临的几关都可以熬过的。一切都会过去。相信自己会幸福。不一定要有另一半才会幸福。自己也可以活得很幸福。

13 February 2012, another painstaking day to be remember

While everyone was celebrating Valentine's eve, I had a painstaking thing happened to me. Attended court for the first time of my life for ending my marriage. A 3 years marriage and 5 years of relationship. Though there are so many truth reveal. I was still putting hope on  him. Hoping him will able felt not willing to end this marriage as like me. But he said it agree faster than myself. Again, I know my hope remain a hope that will never happened. I'm down and depressed. I had sleepless night before. I had trying hard and keep praying that my tears will not roll down from my cheek. But no, I can't hold my emotion. Too many memories...too much hopes I had on this marriage. All end today. Left one step before we become stranger. I still can't hold myself keep looking at him and thinking the hugs he had gave me before. A hug that I had been missing and which will be missed forever. A hug which full of hopes previously.
Why am I still hoping. I was fine for the past month...but not today. When the reality is there. Or it had been there which I never really accept it. Today is the day where I need to accept it, like it or not, I had to accept it.
At that moment, I still can't take my eyes off him. Though I knew, I got no more place in his heart. I'm no one to him and he will never felt sorry for what he had done to me...I knew all these, but I still can't stop it. I had myself being so weak. I need to be strong by my own. I need to get rid off a lot of habit that I had with him. I must move forward as there is no point looking backward when he had start his new life...Get up! Wake Up! Stand Up! Move Forward!

三个月后的泪水

从昨晚到今早都在挣扎不让泪水一直留。但还是不停的流。还是不舍得这段感情就这样的结束。还是会希望他会舍不得。但是只有我一厢情愿。明智不会发生但还希望发生。很笨的自己。还渴望些什么。好累。跟自己的内心在争扎。我很累。时时刻刻在提醒自己要坚强。时时刻刻提醒自己要活的幸福快乐。因为所留下的记忆永远都是痛苦的记忆。也是一场梦而已。佛祖保佑，请给我祝福，让我能够快点爬起来。

这一关好像很难

今晚这关好像很难。。。无法控制我的眼泪。泪水一直流。 回忆一直在脑海里飘过。这一关比新年那关根难过。 那一关我还可以控制。这关真的控制不了。。求求佛祖能够祝福我。给我需要的力量和坚持。

另一个考验

天又在给我另一个考验。。冬至那天让我签了离婚证书，情人节前一天又在让我真真的上法庭上来真实我的离婚。。。难道天要我永远都记得所发生的事，要我永远放在心里，提醒我跟爱自己？还是到有一天，在这两天，我都不会想起这些事，也证明了我放下了。我不懂会是哪一个。但我希望老天爷，请赐给我需要的勇气来面对来领的那一关。