A slap in the face

18 May 2013
Going back to pack up the balance of the things on the room.
Before leaving, I left some money to him and wish him to take care himself.
All I got is a pointing finger on my head and cursing towards me.
And the worst a slap at my face.
Gosh.....it been long enough of getting whack from him. I can't remember when is the last time. Guess is some time during my secondary time.
A slap with a lot memory. A lot of childhood memory. I don't hv good childhood memory. Hence I never remember what happen to my childhood.
But this slap really awakened those hateful memory of childhood. He almost broke my ears by pulling my ears and slap my face for a lost pen belong to him. Till now I don't understand how precious the pen are to him or even how much it cost for us four siblings to deserve the whacking from him. In order to find out who took the pen. Obviously none of us took it. If we took it, with the whacking from him definitely we will give him back. Me, can't stand the whacking from him and to my siblings, as the eldest I had stand out and admit I'm the one lost it in order my siblings don't hv to suffer more. This happen during primary school....and now it so clear. He pulling my ears and slap my face after my confession. And his long finger nails cut my ear and almost tear off my ears. Guess if my mom never beg him, today, I had lost my ear. Till now I can still feel my healing scar behind the ear.
Another incident with parental grandma broken flower branch by my sis. With her keep adding oil to my Dad, my sis get the whacking. Hello, which kids are not naughty? Which kids won't broke branches or pull plants? Did she need to keep mention everyday so that my sis can be whack in front of her every day? Yup....my parental grandma never like us and mom. So every little action from us she will complain till my Dad whack us. Too bad that my sis had broke her favourite plants. And she did it on purpose as she can't stand see our mom get bully by her, uncle and aunts. I can't keep silence on the fourth day when I saw my sis get whack bcos of her complain, without thinking more, I shouted at my grandma asking her if she would like to see my sis being beat till death by my Dad only she will keep her mouth shut. And the rattan ended up on me. I'm whacked whole body after my words. And knelt at the gate for being impolite to her. What the hell is happening? For the age of 10 yo, which is right and which is wrong? For me it seem like everything adult did is right. Kid are never right.
Thinking back those days, I had been living in injustice life. Seeing my mom get bullied everyday and with a complain from grandma, the rattan will end up on our body. Thanks to her, we had been trained up to be very conscious in order not to get whack. And also be disciplined. Mom had to work hard and send us learn taekwondo during weekend so that we stay out of house and won't get complain by grandma and minimise our possibility get whack. I never understand why that time. I know my work do hard and the course fee and also the uniform is very expensive for her to bear for four of us. I had tried out to give her all sort reasons I don't like go taekwondo. But she insisted me to learn up. When I grew up only I know mom really 用心良苦.
What can I said more about him? Till this moment, he still never felt sorry about his action. Still finding the scapegoat....too bad that I'm the chosen one.
After my own divorce, I guess my emotion had gone haywire. I never cry and get mad. In fact the emotion is relief that he did so. Why? I also don't know. Guess most probably my emotion had gone haywire. I can't really get a normal emotion now.
Mom saw the whole situation. She was stoned seeing it happened. While driving back home, she called me crying thru phone and said sorry to me. She can't talk, she is crying soberly. No one understand her feeling than me. I'd been through it. Mine relationship is just 7 years and I had been through hell. Her is more than 30 years....guess it will be even harder. Praying daily to Lord Buddha to give her strength to recover.
In fact when I receive the slap, I felt nothing....not even a pain. I don't know why guess Lord Buddha had help me reduce the power. Even the second day the face not swollen. But I start felt a little bit pain and a bit swollen too. Luckily not too obvious if not don't know how to cover.
Will I forgive him? Don't think so....as I don't need to forgive him bcos I'm not mad at him at all. in fact it is a relief. I don't understand why too. Don't ask me as I got no answer.
But I swear no more slap on my face as I don't want anymore childhood memory.
Lesson learnt: Your action and words are just like spill water, once done and said, you can't take it back.